I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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