I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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