cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
