Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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