Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's always time for handjobs
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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