Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
