News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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