20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize