I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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