Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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