Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
birth control should be required to get into college
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
