The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize