you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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