I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
