i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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