Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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