in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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