can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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