I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
