So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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