I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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