I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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