apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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