He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
