Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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