Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
