Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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