i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
