I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
