I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize