There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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