When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
