He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize