He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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