Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
