Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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