Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
