you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
