the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize