You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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