My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
