How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
