Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize