Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Randomize
