I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
