There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
