This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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