I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
