I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
