The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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