i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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