Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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