The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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