Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Randomize
