At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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