Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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