We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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