im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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