a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
