ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
