If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
