i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Please don't give away my fajitas
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
